Posts Tagged ‘wanting’

I am in an introspective mood today. Where does the restlessness I feel come from? My body says it lies within the pit of my stomach. Something does not agree with me, and I can’t quite tell. This is a familiar feeling. I wish I could be more content, more often, with just the way things are. Instead, I suffer from a vague malaise, a diffuse state of anxiety that makes all my talks about consciousness irrelevant. In the whole wide world, I am part of that infinite minority, lucky enough to have beautiful children, a loving husband, a creative life, no financial or health worries, good friends, more material possessions than most, an an environment to die for. So, what’s wrong with this picture?

As I go inside, I quickly come up with an answer. I am not happy with what I have. I am constantly looking for what I do not have. Hence the quest, the fear, the worries, the restlessness. One easy way I know to give myself a rest, is through a flurry of activities, and through exercise. Each day, I look forward to my time in the water, becoming one with the element, feeling the bag of knots dissipate with the stretch from each swim stroke. Shopping is another form of therapy, although not as satisfying as swimming. I don’t like it, I wish I could do away with it. Last, there is work. I can get lost in work, losing track of time, and even basic necessities such as eating, drinking, and bathroom breaks. Fortunately, I have Prad and the children to give me a sense of much needed balance

You may wonder, what is the connection with green-ness? I am realizing, once more, that this state of wanting, has everything to do with the current global crisis. If I, and all the other disenfranchised souls in the world, were able to stop wanting things, we could cut down our consumption by the trillions. Those dollars could be spent instead on products and services in the service of the planet, and ourselves ultimately. The climate crisis, is more than just a natural phenomenon, it is a spiritual emergency, a cry for more consciousness on a global scale. This is where today’s post from No Impact Man takes all its significance.

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Why this need for lists all of a sudden? I woke up thinking of Tulani‘s list, The Five Rules of Happiness, the one I read in her blog yesterday, and I immediately had to make it mine:

1.Free your heart from hatred.
2.Free your mind from worries.
3.Live simply.
4.Give more.
5.Expect less.

#3 would go a long way towards helping me become the green girl I want to be. It would, and it is also very hard to achieve. I suffer from always wanting more. Closely related is #2, and the fear of not having enough. The bag lady syndrome is a part of me that refuses to go away. How much will it take for me to finally feel secure?

Going to the mall is always a spiritual experience, the time to get in touch with my fellow human beings, and to take in the painful reality of our collective emptiness. I become both actor and witness, in an existentialist play about the absurdity of life without meaning.

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